Grief and Organisations: Ten things to consider when supporting a colleague
Loss and change are inescapable experiences of being human.
Many of us have experienced the last few turbulent years as a series of losses; freedoms, expectations and plans have been curtailed. It has been hard for teams and organisations to stay connected. When the loss is of a loved one, there can be uncertainty on both sides. How to act, what its best to say. Sometimes, the bereaved person can feel isolated and alone in their grief as others around them avoid them out of fear of ‘getting it wrong’. In this blog, we draw on our research into how grief and loss is experienced and offer you ten helpful things to consider when supporting a colleague going through the pain of loss.
Grief can arise in such a wide range of circumstances, and this means it is essential that organisations think about grief and its impact, and how to support employees as they process their responses to it.
We have found these definitions a useful starting point:
“Grief is the normal and natural emotional reaction to loss or change of any kind.”
“Of itself, grief is neither a pathological condition nor a personality disorder.”
“Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar
pattern of behaviour.”
John James and Russell Freidman in The Grief Recovery Handbook
What do we most often associate with the word grief? Typically, we think of the loss of a person or a relationship through bereavement. There are several well researched models and frameworks that can help us understand and navigate the process of grieving, and whilst they are usually developed in the context of bereavement, we have found they also apply in any situation where grief has arisen. These models are useful both for us to apply to our personal experience, as well as in offers of support within organisations.
A useful starting point in developing an approach to working with grief is to consider what feelings and experiences may show up when we are grieving.
What does grief look like?
Most importantly, it is useful to remember that whatever you are experiencing in grief is “normal”.
As humans, we are complex, and our grief reflects that. It is messy and difficult. It is highly individual, as is our relationship to who or what we have lost.
The work of psychiatrist, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, informs our understanding of potential emotional responses to loss. In 1969 she undertook some ground-breaking studies into the responses of those who were near death, or who had had news of a negative prognosis. Up to this point there had been little empirical research into grief. She developed a model that describes what grief can look like and found there were five discernible “stages”. This was a new way of looking at the lived experience of grief.
Since that time, thinking has evolved and there is a widely held belief amongst helping professions that whilst clear and linear models are attractive, they can create issues for those whose experience of grief doesn’t fit the described trajectory.
NB: the application of the model to grieving people can suggest a logical process – however, life and loss are not like that.
What is helpful about the model is that it offers generalised insights that may assist in describing some of the categories of experience – but doesn’t offer a prescription of how you should feel. You may not experience one or more of these categories: you may not get to acceptance, you may major on anger and denial, you may never feel angry at all.
In our society we have an overt focus on recovery, improvement and getting better. However, it is important to recognise that concepts such as acceptance, closure, recovery, getting over it etc. may not apply to everyone. Whilst the pain may diminish and change over time, for many people it doesn’t go completely as the bond and attachment continues.
Symptoms of grief
Alongside the emotional responses to grief identified in the Kubler-Ross model, there are many other symptoms and signs of grief that people may experience, such as:
· Disrupted sleep patterns
· Digestive problems, changes in appetite
· Palpitations, difficulties breathing
· Poor concentration, loss of focus
· Aches and pains – headaches, joint pains, stiffness, back ache
It can be helpful to recognise these signs may be pointing to an experience of grief which you may not have previously recognised, for example when the grief arises from a generally “happy” change in life, such as a house move, a new job, a wedding or moving in together. Remember the second definition of grief outlined above “Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behaviour.”
Styles of grieving
There are many different ways in which people experience and express grief.
Dr Ken Doka has studied and written extensively about aspects of death and dying since the 1970s.
He identified two different grief styles which are not exclusive of one another and are on behavioural continuum: we may notice a preference towards one end of the continuum and also find that we move up and down the continuum at different times in relation to our grief.
There’s no “right” way to grieve.
Intuitive Grievers will experience their grief through their feelings and their explorations of their feelings. They will be drawn to talk about what they are experiencing and will join self-help or support groups, will seek out therapy and coaching – their processing of grief will strongly mirror their inner experience. They will be drawn to journaling and reflecting.
Instrumental Grievers are more likely to experience their grief through doing - their experience may be more physical and cognitive. They will want to engage in activity, such as creating a movement for change or creating activity that supports a legacy for the person they have lost – walkathons, pilgrimages etc. This is not in and of itself an avoidance of grief – it is a way of experiencing grief.
Growing around grief
Grief counsellor, Lois Tonkin, has created a useful model that helps us to understand that grief does not go away over time – you do not “get over it”, instead your life grows and expands around the grief. This model recognises that there may be days when the grief feels as painful as it did when the person first died; and there will also be days when you are able to focus on other areas of your life. You can grow into a new life that includes the loss.
Source: Cruse Bereavement Support
What can you do to help? Ten things to consider when supporting someone who is grieving
As a manager, mentor or coach, it is inevitable that you will encounter people who are experiencing grief, and you will need a way of meeting them that is supportive and helpful.
Fundamentally, the guiding principle is to meet the person where they are, as opposed to where you might think they should be, to listen and to follow their lead in terms of what they do or don’t want to explore.
Listen, listen, listen. Build your capacity to be able to listen without fixing - to witness without being responsible. There is immense value in being heard. You can’t fix grief or make it go away, but listening deeply to how someone is feeling can help them navigate this tender territory
Acknowledge and validate – be alert to recognising unspoken grief, and offer a place in which to explore feelings about loss if it feels appropriate
Understand that we are working with whole people, including in a work context. An individual’s aspirations, their work and life goals will be impacted by their experience of loss. To ignore it is unhelpful; to work with it may release untapped potential and clarity for the persons’ future – or it may simply be the kind thing to do for another human being who is in pain.
Recognise their style of grieving - they are likely to approach grieving in the same way that they manage themselves in other parts of their lives e.g. speaking or not speaking about emotions
Become comfortable with expressions of emotion - see this as a normal part of a person’s process; even welcome the emotion as a release that creates more space and choice
Work in support of the grieving person’s coping strategies and strengths - where choices are possible, enable them to identify what they need, and help them plan the steps towards putting things in place that will bring genuine benefit
Encourage them to find other support if it is needed. Part of our role as a manager or colleague, might be to help people think through what kind of help they might wish to access
Expect the unexpected – grief and loss can be unpredictable, messy, and contradictory
Educate yourself - find out more about what to expect in terms of the effects and behaviours that surround grief
Understand the boundaries of your own competence and familiarise yourself with options for signposting to other resources e.g. if your organisation has an Employee Assistance Programme, what can it provide? What other options are available in your area?
We hope you find this helpful, and trust that you will take care of yourselves as well as others when working in this tender territory.
Jane Bytheway & Glyn Fussell
Learn more about the Oasis Raw Network. Contact us for more information on how we can help embed employee wellbeing through our oasis counselling services.